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Trailers – Spring Breakers

 

The mere fact that this movie exists is one hell of an indictment of society.

In the immortal words of John McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!”

Like, this can’t be a real movie, right?  Four girls are so hell-bent on going to spring break that they rob a fast-food joint and eventually end up drug-addled gangbangers worshiping at the alter of Harry Osborne’s absurdly-wardrobed “thug life” persona? For real?  Who in the hell wants to go to Miami that bad?  You know, most movies that don’t involve an alien invasion are grounded in some form of past history or reality, but this scenario has played out zero times.  Independence Day seems more believable, and that had hero Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman president.

And what the hell is James Franco doing with his career?  I mean, I understand Hudgends, Gomez, and Benson trying to step out of the pigeonholing bubble that is the ABC Family/Disney Channel world, but Franco?  Dude was nominated for an Oscar a few years ago.  C’mon, son.

As for the trailer itself, I imagine it does a good job of summing up the film. The characters will make spring break way more important than it is – hence the creepy stage whisper every four seconds – there will be some weird, Wild Things-esque sex scenes, and it’s going to end, like it existed throughout, poorly.  Really, Brittany Spears sing-a-long? That’s how we wind down this dumpster fire?

Verdict: Hell no.  The very fact that there exists a group of people with the fortitude to write, pitch, produce, act, and direct this movie is a depressingly sad indictment of society.  With that said, however, part of me does think that the real smart move is to collect a dozen friends, get aggressive at the bar, then head to the theater and let whatever happens happen.

P.S. Franco’s assertion mid-trailer that the American dream involves dark tanning oil and crime sprees is borderline un-American – it’s like punching the flag right in the face.

Author: Joseph White

Joe Bianchino is a writer, producer, and radio host located in upstate New York. He is a life-long New York sport fan, Chelsea supporter, and Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon enthusiast. Follow him on Twitter @JoeBNTS. Email him at Joe@noticketsports.com.