I love inane arguments. I love them.
If there’s no clear answer, and no real reason to even be having the discussion in the first place, I’m in. With everything I’ve got.
So while I could spend the next 700 words arguing that this week is the most American week in American history – beginning with a presidential primary built around neighbors yelling at each other and ending with the Super Bowl, and hundreds of millions across the country watching while hundreds of millions of dollars is gambled on not just the game, but absurd propositions only tangentially related to game – I won’t.
Even though it is.
Political bickering and senseless gambling. It’s not the founders’ vision of America, but that doesn’t make it any less American.
And I’m an American, dammit.
The classic Super Bowl prop bet for which there can only ever be one answer: Tails. Because it never fails. Tails
Length of the National Anthem
The other classic Super Bowl prop bet. It was announced only this week that Lady Gaga will be performing the Anthem, and while your gut reaction is to jump at the self-indulgence of a woman famous for wearing a meat dress and hammer the over, two minutes and twenty seconds is a long, long time. Under
Total Team Points – Denver Broncos
Against a less stout defense, the Broncos only managed 20 points at home in the AFC Championship game. Under
Longest touchdown yardage in the game
Live a little. Over
Total successful field goals
These two teams were first and sixth in team defense this year. Over
Will Cam Newton break the Super Bowl record of most rushing yards by a QB (64 yards)?
Smart gamblers bet on trends, and never talk themselves into a bet. Right now, I choose not to be a smart gambler. Only twice this year has Newton gone over 64 yards, but I’m telling myself that he’ll be running all game from a great pass rush. Yes
Will Ted Ginn Drop a Pass?
Ted Ginn is one of only four wide receivers with double digit drops in 2015, and may be the best bad receiver in the NFL. Yes
Will Mike Carey be wrong about a challenge?
Has Mike Carey been right about a challenge all year? All career? Like Roger Dorn, he’s 0-for-the-century. Yes
Margin of Victory
Panthers by 25-30 points: 16/1
Panthers by 31-36 points: 25/1
Panthers by 37-42 points: 40/1
Panthers by 43+ points: 50/1
Broncos by 1-6 points: 4/1
Vegas is offering more outcomes, but these are the only ones I see possible. Either the Broncos win a tight, ugly game, or the Panthers romp and we’re in it for the commercials in the fourth quarter. Bet Them All
What color will the liquid be that is poured on the winning coach?
It was blue last year, it was orange the year before, I’m taking a shot and going simple. Clear
Which song will Coldplay play first during the halftime show?
Adventure of a Lifetime: 2/1
Fix You: 7/2
A Sky Full of Stars: 9/2
Viva la Vida: 5/1
Speed of Sound: 9/1
Head Full of Dreams: 10/1
I know Coldplay gets a ton of hate, but can we all agree that “Fix You” is a legit song? And, to me, it sounds like an opener, here – an abridged first half and the party gets rocking when the guitar comes in. Fix You
What color will Beyonce’s footwear be when she comes on stage for the halftime show?
Any Other Color: 7/1
Super Bowl 50. The Golden Super Bowl. Gold/Brown
Will any member of Coldplay wear sunglasses during the performance?
There is no safer bet than betting on a British rock star trying to look cool – unless that rock star isn’t just British, he’s Bono. Yes
Will Coldplay display a UK Flag during the performance?
Better question, does Coldplay make it out of the stadium alive if they display a British flag during the most decidedly American event this side of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? No
How many artists will sing during the halftime performance?
Over 3.5: +150
Under 3.5: -210
Coldplay, Bruno Mars and Beyonce are already confirmed. You don’t think they’re stopping there do you? No
Will there be an earthquake during the game?
God, I love Vegas. Pass
How many times will the Golden Gate Bridge be shown during the broadcast?
Over 0.5: -300
Under 0.5: +200
I can’t imagine any telecast in San Francisco that doesn’t include a look at the Golden Gate Bridge. Over
How many times will Archie Manning be shown on TV during the broadcast?
Over 1.5: EVEN
Under 1.5: -140
More likely than not, Sunday is the last game Peyton Manning will ever play in the NFL. We may see his father twice in the last two minutes. Over
Will Donald Trump be mentioned?
The big value bet took a blow, here, when Trump didn’t win the Iowa Caucus. Now, Cruz and Rubio have the momentum, and Trump may not be as likely to get a passing mention. But if I know Jim Nantz, I know he wants to make America great again. Yes
Super Bowl – Presidential Election Combination?
Carolina wins Super Bowl – Trump Wins 2016 Presidential Election: 13/4
Carolina wins Super Bowl – Cinton Wins 2016 Presidential Election: 7/4
Carolina wins Super Bowl – Sanders Wins 2016 Presidential Election: 5/1
Denver wins Super Bowl – Trump Wins 2016 Presidential Election: 7/1
Denver wins Super Bowl – Clinton Wins 2016 Presidential Election: 9/2
Denver wins Super Bowl – Sanders Wins 2016 Presidential Election:10/1
You can convince yourself that Denver could win, and you can convince yourself that Clinton won’t – you can’t convince yourself that Sanders and Trump will win, you just can’t – but if you stop talking yourself out of it and just accept what you know, the answer is clear. Carolina-Clinton
What will be higher?
Total Goals in the Montreal vs Carolina NHL game on Feb. 7 – Total Receptions by Greg Olsen
The Hurricanes stink and the NHL is a low-scoring league right now. Olsen Receptions
What will be higher?
Tiger Woods’ 1st Round score at 2016 Masters – Emmanuel Sanders Receiving Yards
It’s Augusta, so I don’t see Tiger going too high, but I don’t see Sanders having a big game against the Panthers. Woods’ 1st Round
What will be higher?
Arsenal Total Goals on Feb. 7 – Peyton Manning TD Passes
This year, only four teams have given up more goals than Bournemouth – Arsenal’s opponent – and Arsenal is top six in scoring. They’ll get three. Arsenal
How many wings will Buffalo Wild Wings sell on Super Bowl Day?
Over/Under 12 million
Earlier, when I said there was no safer bet than one on a rock star trying to look cool, I lied to you. There’s no safer bet anywhere in the world than on American obesity. Over
Author: Joseph White
Joe Bianchino is a writer, producer, and radio host located in upstate New York. He is a life-long New York sport fan, Chelsea supporter, and Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon enthusiast. Follow him on Twitter @JoeBNTS. Email him at Joe@noticketsports.com.