Star Wars VII Lightsaber, Functional? – Sound and Fury


After almost a week to digest the new Star Wars VII trailer, Joe Bianchino got together with a few friends to discuss what appears the forthcoming debut of a new hilted lightsaber, and, more specifically, whether or not it’s functional.

We pick up the conversation in the middle, just before it gets…away from them a little bit.

JP: Imagine those fight scenes where the lightsabers are criss-crossed, and the fight is almost at a standstill, but one is pushing on the other and the sabers are getting closer and closer to someone’s neck.  Now, with this saber, you’ve got an extra, handy-dandy boom, straight through the face sword.

Joe Bianchino: But with the hilts, wouldn’t the chance of accidental amputation be rather high?

DBon: I don’t see those things really coming into contact with your own body, though.

JP: If you’re gonna accidentally take out your hand with your own lightsaber, then you’re not a very good Jedi/Sith/Ninja Master, though.  Amirite?

Rich: The fact that they refuse to just use guns is pretty ridiculous, but, considering that they use only a sword at all times, and considering that the hilt on a regular sword hardly if ever comes into contact with the body when used by a good swordsman, then it shouldn’t be a problem for the Jedi.

JP: I thought red was for Siths…

Rich: The closest a Sith ever came to using a gun was when Darth force-ripped the blaster out of Han’s hand.  They seem to follow the same saber-only code as the Jedi.

Joe Bianchino: Are we sure the hilts on regular swords don’t make contact with the body?  Or is it just not noticed because it isn’t a laser? And doesn’t so easily slice into you and spill your entrails all over the starship floor?  Also, with the amount of ridiculous showoff tricks the Jedi/Sith throw around before every fight, isn’t it at least a threat that those hilts make contact?

And, lastly, three words: Long. Flowing.  Robes.  With everyone in the far, far away galaxy dressed like the Dalai Lama, there’s no way they use that lightsaber without burning through their own clothes.

JP: Old Jedi seduction technique.  Burns his own clothes right off.

Rich: The answer, Joe is the Force.  Always.

DBon: Not to backtrack, but that lightsaber isn’t red.  It’s more blood orange.

Joe Bianchino: Blood orange?  Please.  That thing is as red as my cat’s johnson.

…which is red.

Rich: Is your cat…a Sith Lord?

JP: Joe’s cat is Emperor Pawpawtine.

DBon: Darth Mawl.

Rich: Seriously though, Joe.  You should have your cat checked out.  I don’t think that’s right.

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing – Shakespeare

Author: Staff

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