As I’ve said before, degenerate gamblers have different holidays than the rest of the world. Thanksgiving? Christmas? Memorial Day? Please. Give us opening day at the local race track, the NCAA tournament, and – of course – the Super Bowl.
And while the aforementioned rest of the world will look – like amateurs – at the game’s spread, and its over/under, we degenerates know that the real action is on the prop bets.
Over/Under 2:30 National Anthem Time – Last year, I went all in on Alicia Keys going under. Then Beyonce threw down the gauntlet by dropping not one (President Obama’s inauguration), but two (her halftime show press conference) Anthem renditions, which meant Keys had to go all out. Then the piano made an appearance. Then it all went to hell. This year, I’m ever confident, and back on the under. The opera star’s Anthem will be classy and it will be professional. Nothing more, nothing less. Under
Will Renee Flemming Wear Gloves While Singing the National Anthem – Lock it in right now, the gloves will be on. We’re talking about Renee Flemming. The world’s greatest operatic soprano. This isn’t the dude from Fun.. She knows she has to protect the pipes; she can’t be out there freezing her ass off. Yes
Coin Toss – Tails never fails. Ever. Tails
First Score – Great offense vs. great defense, mediocre offense vs. mediocre defense. This has field goal written all over it. Field Goal
First appearance: Pam Oliver or Erin Andrews – Pam Oliver is the wily, been-through-it-all veteran, she deserves top billing. But let’s be honest, though she was only recently called up from the minors, Erin Andrews is the hot, young fireballer everyone’s dying to see. FOX will be looking to capitalize on the Sherman shenanigans that are still fresh on the collective American mind, Andrews shows up first. Erin Andrews
Will Any of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Go Shirtless for Their Performance – Isn’t the shirtless thing a staple of the Chili Peppers? Isn’t that part of their whole persona? Of course one of them will be shirtless. You don’t get to the top and abandon what got you there. So yes, one will go shirtless, and then they’ll play “Californication” as many times as it takes you to develop a strong hatred for both the song and the band. Yes
Gatorade Color Dumped Over Winning Coach – I’ve always been a fan of orange. For a long-shot, clear.
MVP – Only three are worth betting: Peyton Manning, Marshawn Lynch, Richard Sherman.
Will the Announcers Say “Marijuana” During the Broadcast – Al Michaels isn’t broadcasting, zero percent chance marijuana is said during the broadcast. No
Over/Under 1.5 Eli Manning Appearances – I can’t believe the line is set so low. Big brother is quarterbacking the favorite, in his home stadium. They might show Eli every series. Over
Kevin Durant Points Scored on February first +7.5 vs. Peyton Manning Pass Attempts – Vegas. They know we know we shouldn’t bet something this ridiculous. But they also know that an academic understanding that we shouldn’t doesn’t mean we won’t. We’re lured by the ludicrous. We love it. We need it. I need it. And right now, I’m not betting against Durant. Durant +7.5
Manning gross passing yards vs combined points scored by four Big 10 teams (Monday’s games for: Michigan, Indiana, Purdue, Penn State) – Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure I know what this means, but again, I can’t stay away. Manning is great, Big 10 basketball sucks, I’ll take Manning. Manning
Dale Earnhardt’s finish at Daytona 500 vs. Russell Wilson’s longest rush in game – I need to meet the guy whose job it is to sit in a casino’s back room and come up with these types of bets – to explore exactly how much absurdity we’ll stand, and realize again and again that no limit exists. We will bet on anything. It’s in our bones. And this bet is the proof. Because I’m not even sure how you win the bet, but I’m taking Earnhardt. Earnhardt
Author: Joseph White
Joe Bianchino is a writer, producer, and radio host located in upstate New York. He is a life-long New York sport fan, Chelsea supporter, and Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon enthusiast. Follow him on Twitter @JoeBNTS. Email him at Joe@noticketsports.com.